For all the positivity and seeming boundless energy in my last post, it is of course natural that my lazy has not accomplished near to what I wanted in the two weeks since writing and posting.
I always forget the incredible weight and challenge of inertia. Last year, when living in Korea, I decided that I was going to start studying the Korean language in a very real way- study a minimum number of hours each week, with a goal and a test to wrap all things up. However, being out of school for years at that point made the transition surprisingly difficult- I wasn't used to studying, nor was I accustomed to having to subject myself to any sort of personal discipline whatsoever.
It took months- two or three entire months- to rev my engines up to the point that I could actually treat studying like it was a daily, expected activity. Plugging it into my routine was incredibly difficult and a challenge that I constantly failed. I don't understand what it is about my lazy-ass personality, but I just don't like doing things, apparently. I loved how busy I used to be in school and how challenging it was to balance a schedule of work, school, work again, volunteering, an active social life, and even- god forbid- exercise and healthy living.
But now, years out from that, I can only look back at that time with the longing of a washed-up has-been. At twenty-six, I know that I'm way too young to look back at those 'glory days', but that's really what has been happening. It's embarassing and I don't understand why even getting myself to study a few hours every week is such a challenge... let alone eating healthy, or exercising regularly.
After that initial challenge period, I moved into a nice groove of studying about twenty hours a week. That was a bit excessive, but I had the free time back then so it was not only a nice way to fill my time, but I also benefitted a great deal from the increased focus on my brain and active intellectual pursuit. It worked wonders for my confidence and I even began to work out somewhat occasionally, and moved towards a healthy, regular sleep cycle.
There are days lately where I come home from work, getting in around 1 am or so, and I just sit in front of my computer and do nothing. I surf the web for hours, maybe chatting lightly with a friend, and I think about all the things that I'd rather be doing or that I would be better off for doing. Sometimes I have to mentally fight with myself to even push myself to play a video game or watch a movie- because even THOSE things would be more productive than the shitload of nothing that I am doing at the time.
I'm still not sure how to overcome this, but I'm getting back into the swing of studying. 10 hours a week minimum, 15 hours a week as my goal. I'm studying computer/nerd stuff, trying my best to learn and hopefully to prepare for taking some classes at a community college next year (if I can swing it financially). I love studying and I love learning, so I'm not even sure what the difficulty is.
Is inertia really such a challenge? I've been moving at a glacial pace for a long time, and I want to be flying again. I know I'm headed in the right direction these days, and I'm even finding some satisfaction in my work- which is new for me- but I'm moving too slow. I need the thrill of challenge again outside of the office, and I need to know what it means to be legitimately busy again.
So how do I do that? How do I speed up from crawling to flying again?
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